It seems to take forever, but that same forever is gone in an instant. Watching each day and knowing, yeah the kid is growing. I know this because we still track his weight very closely. We watch to be sure he is gaining. I know this because his bed seems to be rapidly shrinking like woolens put into too hot of water. But I don't SEE it.
He seems the same to me. Even though I can tell he is holding his head better. He tracks my movements when I play with him more surely. Little steps along the way. Walking his path with him and knowing it is because we all chose to travel together.
There are days that I want to go and wake him while he sleeps just to feel him near. Typical new parent stuff I'm sure. I know it is a bad idea but part of me still feels that gnawing inside from when we had to keep going home, day after day, without him. It is silly I suppose, he needs his sleep. But I find myself going to check repeatedly to see if he is awake yet. Even if just to see the look in his face when he notices I am near.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I became a dad. Becoming a father is one thing, mostly it is just biological. But becoming a daddy was much different. It grows inside each moment that passes. It is strengthened with the growing muscles of my son when he holds on to my hand. There really are not words that I can describe it. Either you know or you don't.
Living in few hour increments has become normal life. These time frames dictated by his own internal rhythms and needs. The ones that are now pretty easy to work with. I still have time to sit down and write. When he is awake there are only a few things that absolutely must be done. To hold and soothe. To keep clean and warm. To feed. To keep safe. Such simple things, easy.
Even though there is still the sense that while these things will change, for now I find comfort in having to do for him what he can't do for himself just yet. How will it feel the first time that he takes the bottle or the spoon from my hand to say, "I can do it, let me try."
Pride and happiness I am sure, but with some hidden feelings that will miss the needs of the child. The ones that are being replaced by his need to do things for himself.
For now, I will just enjoy having to be dictated how the clock works around here. To be happy with the simple facts that when he needs to go somewhere we have to pick him up and take him there. To sort out his cues and hopefully understand what the needs and desires are.
I hope I can say the same as the years go by. Some things just have to be lived to be understood, no matter how many times you are told.
Have a great day everyone.